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Angry Person

It is agreed upon that all conflict is a natural part of relationship building, however, not everybody approaches conflict the same way. While the majority of people tend to be avoiders, or take flight when conflict arises, they choose this response as it can be a temporary way to keep the peace, however, it can also be the response of people who are unskilled with conflict, or may lack confidence to assert themselves. In contrast, fighters are people who enjoy the stimulation of an argument that is produced as a result of provoking others, or promoting disturbance that leads to further conflict. While the goal of conflict is to deepen the bonds of relationships, fighters tend to lose sight of consequences over the long-term. For some people this response to conflict has its advantages.

Part of understanding conflict, is understanding other peoples perspective, or position in the conflict. While fighters tend to be overbearing, stressful, and destructive, they do have a point of view all of their own. Advantages to fight behaviour may be necessary when quick actions need to be taken, fighting for some may break the monotony and produce excitement, from the perspective of an audience, one may gain approval for overpowering another individual, which full-fills an inner-egotistical need which for some, increases self-esteem as fighting is protecting ones self-interest.

People who tend to exhibit fight mentality may be people who came from a family where conflict was frequent and distressing, and where outcomes for winners and losers were readily observed. This is an environment where a 'fighter' may have frequently been a loser. Adults who are fighters, may decide to avoid being in a losing situation and may develop strategies to ensure their position is on the winning side. A fighter may find conflict as a means of maintaining a positive self-esteem. Relationships have a way of building our self-esteem, or tearing it down. When relationships are healthy, an exchange of respect, trust, and healthy boundaries are evident, unhealthy relationships break down people at a core level.

The disadvantages of fight positioning in conflict resolution is the consequence of no resolution, and more fighting. Solutions are not a part of short-term insight of 'winning'. The emotional and financial costs of broken relationships far exceed the benefits. The ultimate result for the 'fighter' is diminishment of self-esteem due to the loss of relationship over the long-term. People generally don't value destructiveness in themselves, even when fight strategies serve as protective mechanisms. Fighting generally impairs relationship, or any likelihood of future cooperative outcomes. Fighting compounds the issues that are in need of resolve, this increases the frequency of negative feelings, and behaviours to come.

The most successful response to conflict is from people called skilled fixers, or menders. Menders tend to dive right in with a willingness to fix a problem, holding focus to the problem, and not any individual partaker. They exhibit positive listening and communication skills, are empathic in their communication, and offer solutions that empower everyone involved, including themselves. Producing win-win outcomes builds confidence and self-esteem in everyone involved in the conflict. As a result of this, people tend to agree to future cooperation, and the real issues that underly the conflicts are likely to surface to be resolved when skilled fixers communicate empathically, and negotiate solutions. Seek Bindu - the point of creation.

Excellent reference material:

Freud Anna NCCF, Childhood Trauma and the Brain/UK Trauma Council: You Tube,

Mediaco-op, Trauma and the Brain: You Tube,


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