Bonding: Who needs it?
Updated: Mar 30, 2021
Relationships are fundamental to human experience. Our earliest relationship begins with our caregivers, and it's the emotional impact this first relationship makes that paves the way for successful bonding in future relationships. A defining trait of a healthy adult is emotional stability, knowing this, a sure way to kill a relationship is with emotional unpredictability. The bottom line is that unpredictable behaviour makes it difficult to enter into the vulnerability stage of a relationship, the stage needed before bonding can occur. The reality of this is that relationships cannot develop without trust.
Oddly, we can correlate the world of dog training with human relationships, as dog trainers would agree that pets become neurotic with lack of direction, or with owners who neglect to provide clear commands. Dogs become confused with inconsistent training, and if left too long in this state, can also become untrainable. Pets need direction, just like healthy relationships need boundaries. Relationships require boundaries to be maintained in order for them to thrive, this means getting through the vulnerable stage of a relationship knowing one is emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally safe with the party one is choosing to bond with.
How this relates to our earliest relationship encounters, is that in healthy environments caregivers provide the experience for us to validate our emotions, so we develop self awareness well into our adult life. This enables assertion, as well as discernment in later life circumstances. When one is aware of their inner emotional experience, they can relate, or are more capable of reading the emotional presence in others, this ability is called empathy. Empathy is a vital component of healthy relationships.
Where things go wrong is when a parent has not developed these skills, and is not emotionally healthy enough to provide a stable emotional environment for their children to develop these skills. When a parent is not in touch with their own emotional, and psychic wellbeing, they cannot bond successfully with their children for obvious reasons. They are incapable of providing an emotionally safe environment when they cannot identify, or acknowledge their own emotions, or that of their children, and partners. Children may witness parents in tumultuous relationships as a result of this. This may leave children with the deficit of emotional dysregulation that could pervade for generations if left untreated.
A sure way to turn this train around is to get educated about emotion which contributes to transcending levels of consciousness. As one becomes more aware of their internal experience, they are able to ground themselves in place, and time more soundly. This also enables an individual to experience more empathy when communicating with others. This is vital when caring for children, as patience versus control is vital for children to learn to think critically. As parents it's important to take a step back, and allow our children to explore ideas on their own, without projecting our own beliefs, or opinions to them. This encourages a developing mind to think. Parenting is no easy task, nor is mastering relationship to self, however, one must come before the other for successful outcomes. A sure way to raise healthy children is to give them an example of a healthy person. Show them what unconditional love is, including the spectrum of joy, patience, peace, happiness, and they become aware enough to experience self-realization.